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Money in Marriage – Part 4: Listening is More Important Than Hearing

For many married couples, even Christians, their personal finance situation is a sore spot, open wound or festering infection. As a result, many families do not talk about money. Parents do not plan, teach or discuss personal finance management with their children. They may think money is the root of all evil, including emotional conflict about it. Conflict destroys marriages and families, so no money talk. No conflict, happy marriage, happy family, happy life. Only it doesn’t always work out that way.

 

In most cases, money is not the issue. In fact, the Bible verse cited as “money is the root of all evil” actually says something quite different:


For the love of money is a root of all sorts of evil, and some by longing for it have wandered away from the faith and pierced themselves with many griefs. But flee from these things, you man of God, and pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance, and gentleness. 1 Timothy 6:9-10 (NASB)

The love of money is the motivation for all sorts of evil. As Christians, we are to love God and love others first, not money and certainly not evil. We are to be good stewards of what God provides us and to be content with what we have. In the marriage context, we are to love our spouses and our children. When we are more worried about money, longing for more of it all the time, then we lose sight of God and our spouse. Instead, Christians focus on developing godly character, especially in our marriage relationship: “righteousness, godliness, faith, love, perseverance, and gentleness.” It takes practice, forgiveness and perseverance.

 

Money management for a marriage and a family is a test of using loving communication skills more often than it is a test of using perfect accounting skills. How do we know when we are loving money by desiring it more than loving God and our spouse? We stop listening to them. Both of them. If we truly love God and love our spouse, we must listen and understand first. Of course, we need to speak respectfully and truthfully. But if we don’t listen first, we may just repeat the wrong words louder and louder until the conversation deteriorates or explodes.

Practical Listening Habits to Help Solve Marriage Money Challenges


Pray to Invite God to the Table – In a Christian marriage, there is a third person involved and listening, and we need to remember to invite Him in first. Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you both and to reveal opportunities, solutions and direction. Ask God to help you listen and understand first, and to work together. Ask for wisdom, and God will give it to you:

But if any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all generously and without reproach, and it will be given. James 1:5 (NASB)

 

Tilt the Playing Field Toward Your Spouse – It’s natural to go into a conversation with our own agenda and our own defenses up. Take down the defenses, set aside your own agenda, and open the conversation by giving your spouse the first turn. If your spouse insists that you go first, ask for confirmation for permission, or roll dice to see who goes first. This is the “quick to hear” principle, again from James:

 

You know this, my beloved brothers and sisters. Now everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger; for anger does not bring about the righteousness of God. James 1:19-20 (NASB)

 

Take Turns Identifying the Issue – Look for the underlying problem to solve, not the symptoms. Identifying the problem or even an opportunity means you are hearing each other. Write it down if you need to. Agree to solve the problem together, not fighting for your own solution. Take turns sharing thoughts by using a timer if necessary.

 

Move From Hearing to Listening – At this point, we are hearing one another, but we may not fully understand the issue or have any solutions. Listening in marriage is the bridge to understanding. Active listening is thinking about what is being said and seeking to understand it and the person saying it better. This is rather than hearing what is being said and deciding whether to ignore it, discard it with a critical comeback, debate it, emotionally react to it, or attack the speaker. God wants us to listen to understand. Personal finance and money issues have spiritual implications as we see in Matthew’s gospel:

[Jesus said] “…The one who has ears, let him hear.” And the disciples came up and said to Him, “Why do You speak to them in parables?” And Jesus answered them, “To you it has been granted to know the mysteries of the kingdom of heaven, but to them it has not been granted. For whoever has, to him more shall be given, and he will have an abundance; but whoever does not have, even what he has shall be taken away from him. Therefore I speak to them in parables; because while seeing they do not see, and while hearing they do not hear, nor do they understand.” Matthew 13:9-13 NASB

 

Resist Closed Off Hearing – Most of Jesus Christ’s audience reacted with closed hearing rather than active listening and understand. These are symptoms of closed off hearing:

  • turning off and tuning out if you think you know it all

  • asserting control by talking over the other person

  • criticizing and belittling the other person

  • playing the perfectionist by surgically pointing out every flaw in what the other person says

  • acting detached and even staring off into space to passively communicate your displeasure

These closed off symptoms drive spikes of division and frustration into your relationship with your spouse. Ultimately you are communicating your own disrespect and selfishness. In short, don’t be a jerk.

 

Active Listening Takes Blessing – The Apostle Peter learned the secret to active listening and understanding. He was a rough fisherman, and he was married. This is how he summarized the marriage relationship between a brother and sister in Christ:

 To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, loving, compassionate, and humble; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you would inherit a blessing. 1 Peter 3:8-9 (NASB)

 

Peter’s active listening involves being on the same page of sheet music like a duet; identifying with the spouse’s pain; brotherly/sisterly love (phileo); a gentle heart and a humble spirit (like Christ in Matthew 11:29). A spouse with this kind of character is a blessing that money cannot buy.

 

Watch for Non-Verbal Cues – Saying what you really think without talking is not listening. Your eye contact and body language will talk for you, even if you don’t intentionally mean it. Keep good eye contact and open, relaxed posture. Take deep breaths without frustrated sighs. Apologize if the speaker takes your body language wrong.

 

Listen to Your Spouse’s Heart – Try to listen for what is motivating your spouse. What is your spouse thinking and feeling? Can you empathize with your spouse’s point of view? Ask your spouse if you have perceived their feelings and experience correctly. Let your spouse know you want to understand, even though your perspective and experience is different. Your spouse probably genuinely wants to solve the problems and have a stronger relationship, but may not be able to put that into words yet.

 

Listen to God’s Plan and the Spirit’s Direction – There is a Third Person in your marriage relationship who wants to participate. What ideas and opportunities has He given you? What do you know for sure about His Will from the Bible? When you pray, take time to silently listen. Does the Lord reveal something to you, or bring something to mind?

 

Use Healthy Curiosity – Explore what your spouse is saying. Play a game of “What if?” Imagine what life would be like if something happened, good or bad. Don’t ask “Why?” so much as “How?”

 

Seek to Understand Before Being Understood – This is a classic Covey tip, but it is so true. Listen to understand your spouse’s point of view so well that you can communicate it exactly to someone else (often children). Start with repeating it back to your spouse.

 

Go for a Win-Win-Win, Not a Compromise – A compromise means we individually win something and lose something, and end up in a tie. Both sides are happy and disappointed at the same time. In a win-win-win, both of you together with God create a new solution that everyone can agree is a win. It is not the husband commanding the wife what to do or the wife manipulating the husband into doing something she wants. It is working together with God as a team.

 

Be Open to Change – Often we resist listening because we know deep in our hearts that we are the ones who must change. That can involve extra effort, letting go, humility, patience and a host of other challenges. We naturally resist change because it can be uncertain and scary and difficult. At least be open to listening and willing to try a change before dismissing it out of hand. Be willing to take one step.

 

Ask Your Spouse if They Felt Listened to and Appreciated – Be prepared if your spouse says “No!” Do not be defensive. Follow up by asking to start again or asking what you can do better. Do not give up. Stick with it!

 

Celebrate When Listening Works – When you have a good conversation about money management and financial plans, celebrate together! Enjoy something you both like to do together. Thank God together. Good job!

 

Don't be Afraid to Ask for Help - Sometimes it can be emotionally difficult to talk about money and financial issues with your spouse. A financial coach can be a good, unbiased third party to help facilitate those talks. Coaching is different than counseling, because it focuses on moving forward with new ideas and habits, not analyzing the past. If you want a financial coach to help you talk together about money challenges in your marriage, contact us to schedule a Discovery Call.

 

 

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